The wandering soul
by Princess Icare
Summary: When her bestfriend, Dr. Isles, is the target of a mysterious attack, how Det Rizzoli will handle the situation ?
1. Chapter 1

**Before I start, I'd like to take the opportunity to thank y0ungalaska who beta read my story. This is my first fanfiction, so I would appreciate any comments or criticism you have for me but please be gentle ! Hope you'll enjoy !**

**Disclaimers : I own nothing.**

Jane was in the waiting room, sat in a chair, hiding her face in her hands. Then she rose and watched by the window. The city was quiet and peaceful, unlike her who was full of anger and angst. She was pacing like a caged lion.

Detective Vince Korsak looked at his partner trying to find words to soothe her. He put a hand on her shoulder. "Jane, everything will be fine, trust me".

Her eyes were darker than usual. She was angry and she spoke quietly through clenched teeth. "You gotta go now, Vince. Catch this son of bitch".

"Sure. Our team inspects the crime scene. Through examining the remains of the device, the labo guys will be able to find the suspect. Don't worry about that. I'll stay with you until we have news." His voice was comforting.

"I'm well, Korsak, you can go. You will be more helpful with Frost. I need to know you both are working, doing your best to arrest this man." Jane took a few steps with Vince toward the exit. "Please go now and call me as soon as you have new information on the case".

The grizzled man left his young colleague with regret. Sometimes, he considered her as his daughter. He wanted to protect her but it wasn't easy. Even in the worst situations, she was bossy.

On her way back, she met a man wearing scrubs. "Detective Rizzoli, could you please come by my office ? " The doctor asked looking her straight in the eye.

"Have a seat."

She shook her head. "How is she ?" she asked impatiently.

"Her condition is stable. None of her vital organs had been affected."

The brunette relaxed a little.

"But, you have to know the most important..." the man chose his words carefully. "She has full and partial thickness burns to her face, head and neck. She also has shrapnel in both feet."

The more the doctor described the situation, the more distraught Jane became.

"Her blood gases are normal on admission and her lung fields are clear."

Jane was speechless with shock.

"A complete recovery will take time, patience, courage and support." The clinician spoke, slowly, in a reassuring tone.

"Can I see her ? " She tried to hold back her tears.

"In view of the peri-oral burns and her hoarse voice, she's intubated. So she can't speak and you can't stay long because she needs rest but... she also needs friends to take care of her, especially right now... We will take you to her."

"Please, follow me Detective". A nurse led her to a room.

A basic white room, functional and depressing. With the fluorescent lights and the machines ominously whirring and bleeping.

Immediately, Jane saw Maura lying on a bed that seemed too big for her.

The nurse checked the infusion, the breathing, the heart rate and the blood pressure. Her actions were precise.

"Does she feel pain ?" Jane murmured.

"No, don't worry, she received medication. She's just groggy from the morphine."

Half opening her eyes, Maura Isles looked up and saw her best friend standing over her. She tried to muster a smile but failed. Her face was partially covered by a synthetic temporary skin substitute to care for her burn wound and prevent bacterial infection.

"Hey, Maur'..." She tried to command her trembling voice. "I'm so sorry. I should have been with you... to protect you..."

The detective could barely speak and was breathing with difficulty. She took Maura's hand softly. " I wasn't there when you needed me. I beg your pardon..."

Her face was devastated by the raging storm of emotions. The pale woman blinked and squeezed her hand back gently.

"It's enough for today," the nurse said.

With a deep breath, the detective turned and left as tears flowed down her face.

Jane Rizzoli crossed the hallway filled with the heady odor of antiseptic and bitter coffee. She rushed to the toilet and threw up. She looked at herself in the mirror. She was livid. "You must be strong. No choice. Not the time to fall apart, " she said to herself. She splashed her face with cold water then she left the room.

She walked in the direction of the waiting room when she heard a familiar voice calling out from behind her.

"Jane, Jane ! Detective Korsak called me. What happened ? Is she safe ?"

"Ma, at the moment we don't know with certainty...a pipe bomb was thrown into Maura's car."

Angela knew her girl, she used to deal with difficult situations, but this time her cracky voice alarmed her. "Janie, honey. She's going to make it. She's a fighter. You have to control your emotions. Don't give in to your fear. Just focus on Maura. Put all you've got into this struggle."

"I don't know if I can handle this mess."

"It's a fierce battle, but she can win with you at her side."

"Me ? Really ? We had plans to go at the Dirty Robber, but I had paperwork and I told her to go without me. I should have been with her. I should have been the driver. I feel like a crap."

"Stop being so hard on yourself." The warm woman placed her arms protectively around her daughter.

Jane collapsed and sobbed into her mother's arms.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer : Rizzoli and Isles and all of its parts belong to Tess Gerritsen, Janet Tamaro and TNT.**

**Have I mentioned my beta reader (for this part roethfan7) rocks ?  
**

**Please read and review ! Let me know what you think...  
**

When Jane arrived at the precinct, her boss Lieutenant Cavanaugh, went to her immediately.

"What about Doctor Isles? Is she going to be okay ?" he inquired with concern.

Jane was now more in control of the situation and more calm. She replied in a hopeful tone. "The medical staff is taking great care of her. She's in good hands. Angela will stay with her until she wakes up. Ma and I will be going back and forth as we go through this..." she didn't finish her sentence and turned her gaze to Frost.

"Have we got any clues?"

"Jane," the Commander of the Homicide Unit said "I wonder if it's best for you to work on this case."

"Why?" she asked roughly.

"You perfectly know, why, Jane ..."

"Maura is my best friend. I have to investigate, I have to find the people who did this to her."

"You're too much emotionally attached. It could possibly affect your judgment."

"Me, Frost, Korsak, and the rest of this precinct will not rest until these offenders are brought in."

"But..."

"Lieutenant, I need your support. It's my job, my place. If I can't do that, you can go ahead and kill me now." Jane all but shouted at her boss.

Deep inside, he knew Jane was right. Above all, he trusted her. "Okay, okay. Keep me informed on all matters related to this investigation. I want an hourly report. Is that clear?"

She nodded in consent.

"The analysis of the debris indicates that it was an improvised explosive device." Her youngest colleague said. "The bomb was made from gas-pipe filled with dynamite and capped at both ends with wooden blocks."

"A terrorist act?"

"No. It seems to be the work of a serial bomber who uses pipe bombs."

"What do you mean?"

"Cops in the Haverhill Police Department are on the lookout for a man, Justin Konitz, 23, they said targeted two policemen and an ex-girlfriend with homemade pipe bomb attacks."

"Have any fingerprints been found yet? And do they match?"

"No, not yet but the M.O. for these attacks appear similar."

Jane's phone rang interrupting the conversation.

"Rizzoli." Jane barked into the phone. "Ok, Ma, no problem, I'm on my way." She hung up. "Maura just woke up. I have to go. You guys go and try to locate this guy."

* * *

Maura was extubated and conscious but after exchanging a few words with Jane, she was too tired to talk and be her lively googlemouth. She soon fell back asleep. Jane kissed her forehead tenderly and was about to leave when a large hand came from behind and covered her mouth to keep her from calling for any help.

"Listen very carefully. I'm not going to hurt you if you do exactly what I tell you. Do you understand?" she heard the baritone voice say in a perfect Irish accent.

"Mmmhmm, " the detective mumbled and nodded as she recognized the voice of Paddy Doyle.

"I'm going to take my hand away and for God's sake, keep your mouth shut."

Jane turned to face the old man. "What the hell are you doing here?" she asked in a low voice with a hint of a growl.

"I read the papers...I desperately needed to see her." He stared at the sleepy blonde and gave her an affectionate look. "I can only be mad at myself, everything is my fault." He clenched his fists in anger.

"I don't understand...Do you know the suspect? Justin Konitz?"

"That's why I came here. I need to give you some information about the case because, for the moment, you're wrong."

"Go ahead, I'm listening." Jane was now intrigued at what the Irish mobster had to say.

"I believe the intended target of the device was not at the Maura's place and the bomb had been thrown there as a warning."

"Why?"

"Because of me, I was wrongly accused of being an informant by our gang's head boss. I tried to explain to him that it was a false accusation but he would never believe me. I never thought he would go after and hurt my daughter," he said now furious at the thought.

"If the other gangs have learned that you have spoken with me, a police officer, you're a dead man."

"Whatever. I don't care. If I could, I'd break every bone in his goddamn body!"

"And what do you want me to do about it?"

"The guy who did this, Aengus McAllister, is a violent and ruthless man but he's not the brightest bulb in the pack."

Despite the tense situation Jane couldn't help but smile at a mobster cracking a joke.

"He's a breakers yard owner. If you inspect his garage, you'll find the evidence you need there."

"I have one question, why don't you settle your score with him yourself?"

"If I commit an act of revenge I will start a gang war and in retaliation, this time, he will not hurt my daughter, he'll kill her, he'll kill my all my loved ones."

"You forgot one important thing. You're an organized crime boss from Boston and you're listed on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted Fugitives list so why should I believe you? Why should I cooperate with you?"

"Because of my daughter, the way you look at her, I know you care. You would give up your life to save her."

She nodded silently. Paddy Doyle squeezed the hand of his daughter, opened the door and said "I'm counting on you, and let me assure you that you can always count on me. But don't ever disappoint me" he threatened. He closed the door behind him. Jane was alone.

* * *

Maura was transferred to the Burn Center at Brigham and Women's Hospital to start her treatment.

She was in shock, unable to speak. She only remembered her urgent need of getting out of the car. The smell of burnt flesh mixed with gasoline and melted plastic and other terrifying images mixed in her mind.

The horror still fresh in her mind, she looked at Jane sitting near her bed. She painfully spoke with a thin reedy voice.

"Am I disfigured?" tears were now forming in her eyes.

Jane held her hand with all the tenderness in her body and murmured softly, "Honey, don't do that, don't even think about that...You're beautiful." She stroked Maura's cheek lovingly. Deep inside, she was praying for her full recovery.

* * *

Jane Rizzoli woke up in the middle of the night bathed in sweat, plagued by nightmares. She picked up a bottle of water and drank the whole thing. Lying on her bed, with her eyes wide open, she wondered how she could solve her problem.

Telling the truth to Frost and Korsak wasn't a good idea. She couldn't say anything to her partners. No one should be involved in this case. The murderer was the mob boss of the city with many lawyers ready to defend him. And any association was related with Rizzoli or any of her colleagues, their own lives and their family's lives would be threatened.

She wasn't a crooked cop but this time it was a big challenge. She couldn't fail. Maura's life was at stake. She knew there was only one way to solve the problem. It was an unpleasant option but fortunately it was a radical solution.

* * *

A hooded figure, whose face was covered by a mask, moved slowly around Aengus McAllister.

The fat bald mobster was now naked and tied to a table, plastic wrap covering his body, rendering him unable to move. He looked anxiously around him. He was in his office at the breaker's yard. The site was completely draped in clear plastic tarps adorned with photos of his victim, Dr. Maura Isles.

The mysterious silhouette wearing latex gloves approached the man, holding a sharp knife, blood now trickling down his neck. He knitted his bushy eyebrows in fear.

"What the hell are you doing?" He cried like a baby begging for his life.

His attacker remained silent.

"Please don't kill me!" He screamed, all his arrogance was lost.

As was the most important part of the ritual, the hooded figure sliced open his cheek and took a sample of his blood. Then, without hesitation, his throat was cut.

The avenger recalled father's words. "There are people out there who do really bad things. Terrible people and the police can't catch them all. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Aengus McAllister deserved it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Dear all, I am truly sorry for the long delay in updating. **  
**I'm sorry for my laziness. **

**I would like to thank my beta reader roethfan7. The editing work was done quickly, accurately, and included helpful suggestions that enhanced my story. Thank you so much roethfan7 !**

Maura spent twenty days in the Intensive Care Unit and was released after two months in the hospital. Each day a home health nurse came by Maura's house to perform scars massages. She walked with the aid of a crutch. She did some physical rehabilitation exercises with a physiotherapist and recovered some strength in her leg. Even though Maura still had scars the medical staff did the best job they could to get her back to a normal life. The results of the explosion were noticeable but, the scars on her face had become soft and started to gradually fade away, only thin red lines remained.

She was almost fully healed, her body but, her mind was still in distress. She didn't want to return to work. All day long she stayed in bed in a fetal position or sat on the couch, in front of the tv but really wasn't paying attention to what was on. Her eyes were empty. It was a huge pain for Jane and Angela despite their care and their concern seeing there was no progress with Maura. The Doctors said it was normal, post-traumatic stress disorder.

One day, Korsak called Jane to say that the presumed suspect of the attack, Justin Konitz, was found dead in his house, killed by his own device, an accident. Jane told Maura the good news and though it may help her distress. Maura seemed to perk up a little after Jane told her the news. She thought Maura would become better soon because even though it was an accident, justice had been served. Unfortunately, the slight happiness slipped from Maura's face. "Oh! He is dead? I don't care. It means nothing to me. His death doesn't erase my scars."

That day Maura was on her couch, a book open in front of her. She wasn't reading it. She was looking at the page but was unable to decipher the words. As usual, for the few months now, she was disconnected. Her body was in the living room but her mind was somewhere else, escaping more often, deserting her body she no longer recognized.

The doorbell rang and Jane went to open it. It was Constance Isles, Maura's adoptive mother. When she had learned about the attack, she immediately flew into Boston and she visited her daughter daily. She relied on her personal contacts to make sure Maura would have the best doctors. Thanks to her contacts Maura's scars were almost invisible. She wanted the latest treatments at the forefront of medicine. However, all her efforts were not strong enough to save Maura from the depression now taking over her.

Maura consulted a psychiatrist but she barely talked with him. She kept repeating "It's not my body. I can't live in this one. I don't want to talk. Please, just give me back my body." Then she would silently cry. The therapist was helpless. He prescribed antidepressants but neither Jane nor Angela wanted Maura to take them. Angela and Jane wanted to see their same old Maura, with her Google mouth, her scientific facts, her smile, her taste for fashion. They didn't want a zombie drugged with antidepressants.

"Would you like some tea?" Jane asked Constance.

"No, thank you, I'm not staying a long time. I only came to tell you something important." Constance was clearly uncomfortable with the situation.

"Yes of course. Please, have a seat. What's the matter?"  
"I decided to return to France with Maura", Constance Isles said, looking briefly at the ground.

"It would be a well-deserved break but I'm not sure Maura is ready to enjoy vacations abroad…." Jane said sadly.

Constance cleared her throat and she dared to look Jane in the face." It wouldn't just be for a regular vacation, it would be a permanent relocation."

By understanding exactly what was going on Jane exclaimed, "Why? Why would you want to do that to her? Boston is her town. She has her job, her friends."

"Her job, really? It's been quite a long time since she has been back to the morgue. Jane, I don't want you take it bad, I know you care but, let's be realistic. Look at her. She's not our Maura anymore."

Jane didn't need to turn the head to see the ME. She knew exactly what her friend looked like. She sat on her couch with glazed eyes, her hair in a mess, her face pale without make up. She looked like a person who had seen hell. Maura was so dazed that she appeared to be walking in a nightmare she was down to skin and bones. She wore an old yoga pants and a Red Sox jersey that were Jane's. She rocked her body back and forth and she really seemed like a child, a lost child.

"But you can't do that. She's my best friend. I need her. She's a part of my family. Why would it be better for her to live in France far away from her family?"

"Jane, it's not against you. After many weeks of rest and care, Maura's health has not improved. I feel destabilized and powerless, not knowing how to make contact with her," said Constance, tears in her eyes. "But I cannot stand by idly. I refuse to watch my daughter destroy herself. Boston is the city of her attack. She needs to change and continue to live in a more positive environment. We have an apartment in Paris at the Butte Montmartre, well-known as the painters' quarter. It's one of Paris most alive neighborhoods. Maybe living near these artists will be constructive and aide in her healing. She has always loved Paris, the museums and monuments."

Jane was speechless. She couldn't accept losing Maura but, at the same time, she wanted the best for her friend. No matter how much she loves Maura, she can't offer her this kind of life.

Angela who was in the kitchen and whom had heard all the conversation joined the two women. "Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt you Mrs. Isles and I don't mean to be rude. I know this isn't my business, although Maura IS my business. Even if Maura is your daughter, you can't pick her up like she is an object and take her away from our love and our care. We are a part of her family. I respect you but I can't accept it so easily for you to take her away from a big part of her life. We take a great care of her. She's going to make it out of her depression. She only needs time. Please, Constance, give us some time."

Constance didn't want to start an argument with Angela she knew she was a fiercely protective mother. "I can spend three more months here in Boston. After this this time is up, I shall return to France for an exhibit. I can only give you these three months. But if there is no progress, Maura needs to leave Boston to heal."

Angela took Constance's hands, while she thanked her. Jane breathed a sigh of relief.

As soon as Constance left, Jane anxiously asked her mother. "So what are we going to do, Ma? I have no idea how we can help her overcome her deep depression."

A little ashamed Angela said, "Jane please don't be mad at me but, on The O'Reilly Factor, I saw a psychologist. She's just published a book and she was invited to share on her personal experiences. She works with clients who have trauma issues. She seemed to be very competent and relational. Maybe you can get Maura an appointment with her"

Jane would normally have been upset that her mother suggested such an idea but, now, she preferred crazy things rather than nothing. She needed a goal, a hope. She would do anything to help her best friend.

"Ma, if Maura leaves, I couldn't survive," Jane said shaking her head sadly. She gently caressed Maura's hair but her friend was unable to make the slightest movement, remained there motionless, dumbfounded.

"Honey, this will not happen. I promise you. You are my daughters and I will protect you above all things." Angela hugged the two women long and hard.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer : Rizzoli and Isles and all of its parts belong to Tess Gerritsen, Janet Tamaro and TNT.**

**A/N** : - **A big thanks to my fabulous beta reader. She helps me edit a lot of things, even though she's busy. Thanks heaps. Her author name is roethfan7 and she has written a couple stories as well. You should check her out, you may like some of her stories.**

**-For purposes of this story, I imagined that Arizona Robbins was not a pediatric surgeon but a psychologist.**

Jane knocked at the door. "Come in" said a firm voice. When she entered, she saw a flawless woman in a little black dress working at her desk. Then the blonde raised her head and said with a smile "Please, take a seat Miss Rizzoli."

Jane noticed her dimples and her sparkling blue eyes. "Thank you for taking the time to see me..."

"Don't thank me. Of course I have to see you. I'm a psychologist not a fortune teller. I can't help a person if I can't see her. I need to see my patient. It's a basic rule. I only am agreeing to see you because of Dr. Hope. I do this only because she's Maura's biological mother but you have to know it is not deontological."

Jane was a little intimidated by the confident tone of the blonde doctor. At first look, she seemed inoffensive, kind like an angel but Jane now knew she was a woman of character. She decided to play real and honest.

"I am quite aware of that, Doctor. You can't help my friend but perhaps you can help me... Do you know the situation ?"

"Yes, of course. Clarence told me all the history of your friend..." The blonde doctor eased her tone towards Jane.

"Maura... Dr. Maura Isles." Just saying her name, Jane was moved. "So I'm here seeking advice. I don't know how to help her. I've got a feeling I've tried everything. I am having a hard time dealing with all that has happened. I am struggling to grasp everything. You're my last hope."

"I understand your concern but don't be so pessimistic. It's the normal healing process after living through such a tragedy. It's not easy dealing with a friend's depression. If someone you love is depressed, you may be experiencing any number of difficult emotions, including helplessness, frustration, anger, fear, guilt, and sadness. These feelings are all normal."

Jane felt like the blonde brushed it off and did not take her seriously. She answered like it was one case among several cases. For Jane, it was not any patient, this was personal. It was Maura. "Trust me I would not be there if it were this was easy. Maura doesn't seem to care about anything or anyone anymore."

"Let's try not to over think this Jane. Just be yourself !"

Jane rubbed her hands together to soothe her scars. It became increasingly hard to deal with the stress and anxiety.

"I really don't know where to start. It's so hard to know what to say, what to do..."

The blonde woman who was an iron fist in a velvet glove interrupted her.

"Be a parent, be a friend, be a lover, be whoever you want. Remember, you are the one that knows what she really needs. This attack completely messed up her life. Burn injuries change how the body looks and functions and leads to body image distress. She is disoriented, having lost much that was familiar in her appearance. You're her only point of reference now. Hold her by the hand and guide her, like a little child. She doesn't know who she is. You have to remind her."

Without taking her eyes off Jane, the doctor spoke quietly but with passion. "Most amputees perceive phantom limb phenomena, and some suffer phantom pain for years."

"Maura has not had anything amputated," Jane clarified.

"Your friend is not an amputee but it's the same mechanism. In a certain way, she has lost her face, her body. She will never be the woman she was before.

Her grief is new and raw, and overwhelmingly painful and scary. She's looking for somebody who no longer exists. For now, she's like a wandering soul. She has to reborn into this new body, this new person."

Jane looked at the doctor, perplexed. She didn't understand exactly what she meant.

"Stop being nice and start being real. Stop trying to explain the inexplicable. Do what she fears most. You're in charge now. Stop trying the easy way. Try the hard way."

The brunette hoped she could lend greater support or at least much more understanding. She took a deep breath. " I feel so guilty"

"Are you? Were you the one who planted the bomb in her car ?"

Jane was somewhat taken aback by the harsh words that were coming from the doctor. "No, of course not. I would never do that in a million years. Yet I feel powerless and guilty because when I try to reassure her that everything will be okay she becomes mad, irate even, at me ! I don't even know what to say, what to do. I'm completely overwhelmed and lost."

"When you try to reassure her, what do you tell her ?" The doctor was curious.

Jane was surprised by the woman's remark thinking that she had eased up some but just as she about to reply the therapist said in a dry tone of voice, "No, don't say anything. Let me guess. You tell her that despite all of what has happened she's the same woman. You pretend she is still who she was. You pretend she's still a beautiful woman, don't you ?"

Jane tried to calm down but she was upset and outraged at doctor's insensitivity. She almost screamed, "I do not pretend ! Of course she's still beautiful ! For me, she remains the most gorgeous and the most flawless woman I know."

"You, you, always you ! For God sake, why don't you behave like an adult for a change ? For one day in your life, can you try to be less self-centred ? This time, it's not about you ! It's only about her. When she stares at the mirror, she doesn't recognize herself. By now, she's a complete stranger to herself. She lives in a body which she doesn't recognize. She feels this body doesn't belong to her. She's mad at you because you are denying her feelings. She doesn't want the 'reassuring stuff', she wants the truth. Nothing but the truth. For Maura to accept herself, the first step is to see in your eyes that you accept her new body truely and completely. With her scars, her skin burned, her slowness."

Jane was disheartened by her reply. She had regrets about being here, in this office. She should never have come to Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital.

This doctor was cold and hard and she understood nothing about her problem. She had absolutely no empathy for others. Her life was easy. Jane did not understand why she was a qualified and highly regarded practitioner.

The blonde was sitting at her desk. Jane saw only her upper-body. She was dressed in tight dress, showing a deep and sensual neckline. "Frankly, I don't want to waste your time. We don't understand each other. Thank you for giving me your overpriced valuable time. I am going to leave," Jane said with a raspy defeated voice.

"I'm sorry if I've disappointed you. You think I'm rough, that I have no pity for your friend ?"

But Jane was silent and decided to be quiet to hear what crazy doctor mumbo jumbo she was going to come up with.

"Yes, I am tough. I can't stand self-pity. Believe me, if you want to help your friend you have to be strong. It's the only way you can save her. I wouldn't have been here if someone had not been pushed me. I wish you a safe journey back to Boston Miss Rizzoli."

The doctor got up and out of her expensive chair and walked over to Jane. The brunette couldn't help but notice how the short cotton dress she wore highlighted the sensuality of her feminine form. Jane was stunned and dumfounded when she saw that her left leg was amputated above the knee. She wore a prosthetic leg.

The doctor smiled and said a bit lighter, "You seem surprised Detective. I'm a wife and a mother. I'm a doctor and also a disabled woman. I am all of these at once. I had to accept myself just as I am. It took time. Now, why should I hide my disability wearing pants ? To not scare people ? To go unnoticed ? For being like 'everyone else' ? I can't. Because I'm special. Always remember the quote from Dr. Seuss 'Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter..."

"and those who matter don't mind." Jane finished the sentence.

The surprise faded, Jane grasped both of the doctor's hands and squeezed them heartily. "Thank you so much Dr. Robbins. You're amazing."


End file.
